The Hurt & The Healing

My journey to trust God and hand over my pride.

While we all can say we struggle with pride one way or another, my experience with pride lead me down a road I realized I didn't want to be on. Soon I saw certain unhealthy habits that needed to be pulled a part and mended. At the core of what I discovered was when choosing pride, I am making the decision to reject God, ultimately I am saying "I know better". Fueled by clouded judgement and anxiety, I start crafting a plan and blaze a trail. This way has always lead me to destruction, certainly not freedom. Alone and out from the will of God, I lie to myself that soon God will see I was right all along and decide to bless my efforts.

The Discomfort

I've struggled with being able to sit in the discomfort of "not knowing". Waiting on God's timing and his ways has meant dealing with difficult emotions. I've had to unpack my issues around the word trust, my disappointments, my worth, my ability to receive love. Dealing with complex emotions, I get to choose, do I pile on more guilt and allow shame to call the shots, remain idle and discontent, or do I invite God in and see what he has to say? Trust. Do I want to be well? Do I want clarity? Every time I've chosen to look behind the curtain, God has offered me a way of escape, creativity, peace, and reassurance that he's working for my good.

Loosening the grip

God offers me the freedom to let go. The mad dash to solve and fix, the fearful drive into the first place that looks like a solution can stop. I get to enjoy the freedom of not knowing. I get to open up my eyes and discover more intricate details and beauty, feel his comfort, listen to the music, be okay. I get to be free under God's protection, provision, and grace.

The victory for the battle is his, and he fights for us.

For the LORD your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory.- Deuteronomy 20:4