Firing My Inner Critic

I made friends with my inner critic. The voice was told it could stay.

Even worse, I gave it permission to run my life.

I was fully convinced that the critic knew better than me. I went to the critic for approval about everything. The critic even knew better than God himself. My critic was self-made, a shining example of perfection and success. Secretly, I admired my inner critic and esteemed to become just like him. My inner critic was wisdom, I was merely... me ...

So that was the goal, to become less like the disappointment of me, and more like the excellent and admirable critic. If I worked hard enough I would reach my goal, and the critic would be free to go. He was like a wise sage, my teacher, I was just apprenticing for a while...so I thought. Accomplishing what I was told surely would silence the critic, this had become my full time job, but the voice wasn't getting quieter, it was only growing louder and more demanding.

Captive to Captivated

Through prayer, community, therapy and self reflection, I began to notice that I was listening to this voice. I had been so focused on it, I was living captive to disapproval, "if", "and" and "maybes". I had bought the lie that God withholds from me. believing he has an expectation of me I will never reach, never measure up. Wrapped up in feeling of inadequacy, I was always overworking, trying to prove my worth. All of this striving never gave room or allowed for God to be what he wanted to be in my life - the provider, the one to make the way for me, the all powerful gentleman that opens the doors. He wooed me, he pursued me, and he kept showing up in miraculous ways.

In The Whisper

When I think about God, I immediately think "big, great, vast" and picture a mountain, the universe. This is true about God! Sometimes, I forget he is also in the pollen on the leg of the little bee, or the wind across the water. He is both! I've been afraid to slow down and look at the details of my life because that's where it can be complicated, messy. God is in the details just as much as he is over it all! This place in the messy middle is where I find Him, and yes sometimes I am still surprised, but it's beautiful. I've been afraid that I would not find him there, that I would be yet again disappointed - and what would 'the critic think?!' But this reminder I've never been able to escape - that if he cared enough to craft each tiny feather on the wings of the birds, how much more must he care about me?

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered." Matthew 10:29-31